Selflessness in Marriage

As I stood at the kitchen sink this past week, thoughts rolled through my head. Thoughts I wanted to record. Not just for me, but for my husband and my family. My future children. I haven't been really diligent in keeping a journal, but I want to start now. I need a place to explore my emotions, experiences and perspectives. There are so many things I'm not able to articulate in person but writing is another story. Literally.

My first anniversary came and went relatively unnoticed and way too quickly. I did happen to write down some musings that I intended to share and now take that chance.

2 Things I learned in my first year of marriage:

1. Sometimes you can be too selfless.
Before you get all defensive and say that nothing can go wrong if you are selfless (like a sister in my relief society tried to argue), let me explain. I think that loving someone more than yourself, to the point that you desire their happiness more than your own, to the point that you suppress your own desires, can be harmful. It certainly doesn't encourage openness and complete honesty. If you say that no fight will erupt from selflessness, you're wrong because I've been stuck in this battle on numerous occasions. Here's the scene: Dakota knows I love dancing. One night, I suggest it, he agrees and we go. He knows I want to go, so he doesn't admit he's actually not feeling too good. He's tired, but I have energy. Problem with most things married couples try to do is that activities take two engaged participants. This is especially true of dancing. Not even half an hour into the evening, I can tell he doesn't feel too good. Probably because he's not really dancing with me. I love him and want him to be happy, so i suggest we leave. He loves me and wants me to be happy so he insists we stay so i can dance. This goes on for a good while, increasing all frustration levels. He gets mad because I'm not dancing and he wants to sacrifice for me. I'm mad because hes not willing to leave, plus, I don't want to stay anyway if he's not going to be fun to dance with and he won't understand that. Eventually the drive home is tense and irritated. But we were both being selfless and wouldn't allow the other to be selfless. Filter aside, and after excruciating silence in the car, I bellowed out that we need to just take turns being the selfish one so that we can actually accomplish something and at least one of us can have fun instead of us both being miserable. Its not just with dancing that this happens, it also become a theme when dinner time rolls around. (and we're both hangry by that time too anyway). So basically, being completely selfless doesn't eliminate chance for arguments and disagreements, but frankly, I would rather be in a silly argument over who gets to serve whom than an argument that is actually negative. I love and hate the story of The Gift of The Magi, mostly because i live its ridiculousness and beauty regularly. I'm grateful for a husband who is so loving and sacrificial that he will hide his selfish desires to make me happy. He truly gives everything to me and never expects anything in return. I don't know what I did to actually deserve his love and constant sacrifices for my happiness.

2. Two people can make a lot of dirty dishes.

Under our Skin!

I never realized how cool documentaries could be. I always thought they were just boring and didn't have a plot. But actually, they can be super intense and exciting. Just because it isn't fiction, doesn't mean that it can't be a story. My friend Chelsea (who is in public health) asked me to join her at a presentation on Lyme disease. The film was actually very fascinating and so informative. I recommend it to anyone. Its called "under our skin." I didn't know that Lyme disease was such a controversial disease and that lots of people have it and don't even know because it is so often misdiagnosed. Frankly, i'm slightly opposed to traditional medicine and doctors in general. They scare me. Or maybe its just illness that scares me and they represent that. Also, apparently, the bacteria that causes Lyme disease is also related to the bacteria that causes Alzheimer's disease. And its similar to syphilis bacteria. Who woulda thought?! Me being a nerd again. Why didn't I go into science or biology, we wonder again. I have a friend who has Lyme disease. He'll probably never read this, but I feel bad that I wrote of his distress and symptoms as being over-dramatic and his need for attention. I understand now that those neurological symptoms are not psychosomatic, they are genuine. Some people really do have problems where they can't move or get out of bed and they are sleepy. They forget things and get "foggy brains." Its real and now that I understand what it can really do and what it is really about, I want to be a part of helping people fight it or at least fight the ignorance about Lyme disease. New lifetime goals: teach people about Lyme disease & never go anywhere that ticks live (everywhere in US and lots of countries in Europe) and never get bit. 

I am such a NERD and a NATURE FREAK!

So, for anyone who knows me, its no secret that I'm kind of a nature freak. I love rocks, especially funny shaped or colored ones. I love climbing trees. (my favorite tree on campus is on the northeast corner of the JKB by the covered bike racks) and I love animals. I have two fish, both betas. Well, one pretends he's an alpha. Anyway, one of the tanks, which is actually a large vase, has an aquatic plant in it with the roots hanging in the water and the green leaves growing out of the top. I keep this fishy (his name is spartafish, but I didn't name him) by my bedroom window on my dresser. After a while of sitting there, the water got super super dirty. Like it looked like actual dirt was coating the inside of the glass in the water. I didn't think my fish ate that much food if you get my drift. Never had a chance to clean it. Went on vacation. Fishy lived in the dark living room so roomies could take care of it. I came back and the sides of the vase were clear again. The gunk had sunk to the bottom or something because it wasn't cleaned for sure. I put it back by my window and a few hours after I did that, I noticed a whole bunch of gunk all in the water. I hadn't shaken it up or anything. Some of the goo was old roots from the plant but they were covered in brown and green algae looking stuff. Being slightly curious, I observed for a while and while i did, a particularly large glob of green slowly rose from the bottom of the vase to the top. It had bubbles all around it. Using my nature freak and biology background, I deduced that small portions of the plant had broken off as an algae organism and, reacting with the sunlight, was performing photosynthesis and producing oxygen bubbles which adhered to the goo making it float to the top. Live plants help keep air more clean and fresh and the extra oxygen helps our brains function better. My fish loves it and I do to. Golly, I'm such a NERD!

My friends ask my why i'm in the major I am, especially when I get so nerdy and excited about science like that. I took AP biology in high school and LOVED IT. Yeah, sometimes I wonder the same thing; I love it so much, why am I not studying it? Answer: If I studied of everything I love, I would never graduate. I love so many different things. I made a choice to actually apply for a program where not only do I love what i'm learning, but I feel it has the most potential for different opportunities and to do good. Speaking of which, I chose to be in the Communications Studies program at BYU. Not only does this program totally apply to the future and life as it is now with technology and media, but I can use this major as a gateway into almost any industry. I may choose to teach high school journalism, or go to grad school and study science and research. Or I could even go to law school. Just because I didn't choose departments in science or English or art or music (other things I do love) doesn't mean I don't study them or forget everything I've already learned about them. I still try to read and look into lots of different things.

I ultimately want to be a mom, so I know it is important to have a broad understanding of everything. This frustrates me sometimes because the world wants us to specialize in just one thing so that we have marketable skills. What about people like me who want to just understand everything? I'm still working on the solution to this problem.... While I stare at the bubbles in my fish tank. BUBBLES!

Tips from Mom

So today in Media and Family class, we talked about advertising and obesity. This class makes me think a lot about how I was raised and how I do or do not contribute to statistics like the ones about child hood obesity. Something that really stuck out to me was the comment someone made about food stamps and how most of them are spent on TV dinners and junk food. We briefly discussed how so many people don't have alternatives because they don't have the education on how to make healthy meals. It seems so basic and simple to me how to make food but that is because I have a wonderful mother who has taught me so much more than I realize. My mom major in home economics from BYU years ago. And she went on to teach home ec. at Lehi High School. Now she is just a home maker but she does a great job at it. My mom is great at providing my family with food that is not only nutritious and natural, but it is affordable. I wouldn't really say my family is poor, we are blessed more than many, but I know there has been a distinct financial pressure on my family for the past decade. I'm probably more aware of it than any of my siblings, because, as the oldest daughter, I pay attention to the mechanics of running a household. I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for the way I was raised and all the blessings I have because of my mom's desire to educate and nourish my family. Among other luxuries, I didn't have TV as a kid. We watched movies all the time, but the only time I really saw commercials and ads was when I went to my grandma's or a friends. I honestly do believe that this was one of the best things my parents could have done for my family. No TV was probably just part of a financial factor. If my parents had plenty of money, I think they maybe would have spent it on cable. But i'm so glad they didn't. Honestly, half the time, I thought that all little boys and girls lived like I did. I thought they all ate oatmeal for breakfast and had rice and fresh beans and granola and wheat bread. If I had watched more T.V. and seen more commercials for food and sugary cereal, I probably wouldn't have been so willing to eat the healthy things my mom fed to me. I do remember always wanting to try TV dinners and hot pockets and pop tarts, because (lets face it) I did get exposure to ads for those products. But now that I am an adult, and I can go and buy what ever I want and eat anything I want, I am so grateful that healthy habits were taught to me and I was educated about how to cook for myself and what a balanced meal is. I honestly can't go and buy sugary cereal. I have the power and maybe a little bit of the desire, but I just won't do it. Its almost like I feel guilty, like I know better and want to be smarter than that. And honestly, to me, it doesn't taste that good. So thank you mom. For shaping my life as an educated consumer and for helping me prepare for taking care of my own family.

Some basic things I learned from mom and I use in my own kitchen:

• You don't need a recipe book as long as you have kitchen basics. You can throw anything together if you have some milk, chicken or beef in the freezer, a fresh onion or cloves of garlic, and potatoes or rice handy.
• Spinach can be used so many different ways and is good with lots of things especially pasta and stir fry. 
• if dinner is behind schedule, but you want to make it seem like you are working on it and its going to be great, throw some fresh garlic and butter in a skillet before your hubby walks in the door. Works for dinner guests too
• Teriyakki sauce is as simple as garlic, soy sauce, sugar, and ginger
• left over orange peels? down the disposal. chop half an orange and put in a pan of water and a cinnamon stick. Will make a room smell heavenly. 
• frozen peas, a boiled cut carrot and an onion tossed with your ramen makes it a great soup. Add some chicken and then its chicken noodle soup. 
• Beef stroganoff is just browned ground beef and an onion/seasonings, with a can of cream of mushroom soup over pasta rice or potatoes. 
• fresh zuchinni and garlic sauteed with butter makes the simplest side dish to any meal. 
• Bell peppers are great both cooked and cold
• If you have all the different colors of the rainbow, you will have a broader variety of nutrients and vitamins. 

Disneyland

This past week I went to Disneyland. It was really interesting thinking about the concept of families taking little children to Disneyland even when they are so little. My family never took us kids there mostly because we couldn't afford it, but also because my family didn't think the youngest kids would appreciate it and wouldn't be able to understand. I think there are a lot of parents out there that waste that experience on little kids because their two year old is too young to understand what is going on. And yes, there are other little kids that Disneyland is a highlight of their youth. Or maybe I was just deprived as a kid and only just realized it. Another interesting aspect of Disneyland is the materialism it is all centered around. Things are expensive there and sometimes, it felt like disneyland wasn't a complete experience if you didn't buy all the stuff they wanted you to. For someone who is on a college budget and a family that is frugal, this can sometimes be really stressful. But it was still fun. It would be interesting to do a social experiment about the people who go to Disneyland.